Heart Matters

Late at night when all is quiet, when I stop running, from somewhere, to somewhere, or simply going for a run, I listen to my heart. It is still breaking.

It has a rather unique sound, a sound that seems like a wind chime, blown by the wind in a forest, the sound is drown out by the leaves of the trees, trembling under the gust of the wind.  When the heart breaks, it sounds a bit like a whimper or rather simple musical instrument accidentally played by a child: out of tone, out of rhythm, sporadic at best, but in a strange and comforting way, it is the only familiar sound I ever know.

I try to decipher it, and I try to think of ways to ignore the sound. I even imagine with the right ingredients, it will eventually start fading out, and in the end, dead silence. I try my best to not lose my cool.

But it’s the middle of the night. I have no one to answer but myself.

I realize at some point, no matter how brave I may be towards the world, I am still frightened, injured and broken.

And for some rather unexplainable reason, I can’t confront or explain it to that person.

There is an invisible force that inevitably pulls him towards me, and I him.

I can still feel his tight grip on my hand; as if I’d disappear if he just let go of my hand. I wonder if I choose to disappear, how hard it will be for him to find me. Will he even try? I don’t have an answer. I don't want to speculate. I fear the answer.

Clinically speaking, when I examine this relationship we have formed, I feel rather fatalistic about it. The very core of it is the dynamics: one dominating, one submissive. The submissive person’s very own job is to please the dominating person.  The dominating person derives pleasure from controlling the submissive person. In that dynamics, the toxicity is seeped into both sides. So the two people continue to orbit one another, until one either grows tired of it or reaches a breaking point.

Mine is the later. I, therefore, suffer from heartbreak. But I don’t know what can be done differently. 

So... I listen to it, late at night, listen to to the sound of heart breaking.