I. Salt Lake City- present
I opened the window. It felt like the middle of the summer already though it was only June. The weather had been hot, dry heat had taken over the city. On the 10th floor of Hilton hotel, I sat back on the balcony and looked out to the mountains. Finally I decided to lit a cigar, drag out a breath of smoke, and watched the sun slowly surrendered to the darkness. It was a bright night in downtown Salt Lake City. Jazz was playing the Bulls in the first of the final series.
I wasn't ready for the long escaped memory to sneak up on me like that. Your kisses were still lingering over my lips, and your touches, your laughs, your secrete dark green eyes, full of emotions… Suddenly I felt an urge to feel your body again.
II. Vacaville, middle of no where California
About a month ago while on an excursion to the wilderness, I brought you back from a nameless river. You were merely a form of energy back then. But somehow you decided to form an image and appear in my dreams, and since then you became a game player. Pretty soon in my dreams you formulated a list of activities and you demanded me to play with you.
"Come on little girl, let's play a game." I looked you up and down in my dream, though you were quite young yourself, you were an experienced game player. You spoke without hesitation, you complimented me excessively, you had no intention to hide your passion or intensity, you surprised me. I had no idea what I was doing. Playing fire maybe, but I was never good at the game, and it was as if I didn't know what to think any more, I smiled, I laughed and I played along with you. And when we were tired from the games we played, you'd take off all your clothes and let me sleep next to you, au natural - we felt asleep intertwined in each other's warm bodies. Sometime we'd wake up late afternoon, just in time to watch the sun set. I fed you oranges, mangos and pears, all sliced and peeled. When you were half awake, I liked to play your soft and curly blonde hair. Your longish hair fascinated me. I called up your name, small whispers, you smiled and you surrounded me with small kisses. You came into my life so unexpected. Now what was I suppose to do?
III. San Francisco - several years ago
It was the dessert summer, hot temperature baked the Sacramento valley, I was working in a town seventy miles south of Lake Tahoe, and that summer I met M.
The ways I remembered about M, first and foremost, were his beautiful soft curly longish blonde hair, then his very German sounding last name, his bright smile and his petite yet athletic frame. He was incredibly smart and totally playful. He had just moved from the East Coast to take a job in San Francisco and I was immediately drawn to him and pursued him reluctantly. I didn't care about his past, his present or his future. All I wanted at the time was to go out with him. He was a sweet guy, somewhat boyish but nevertheless a nice guy. I adored him to no extent, and I thought if I tried hard enough I’d win his heart. It was a strange summer. Friends of mine thought that I went insane, for my crush on a guy was no more than a physical attribute. I didn't know what got into me, perhaps blondes were somewhat linked to the beach and the beach was somewhat linked to the summer in my mind, or perhaps it was his casual attitude that drew me to him. I couldn't remember how it ended, though I did remember calling him consistently while I was working in the Midwest, sending post cards and local treats to his office. And at the time the radio played Donna Lewis’ “I love you always forever” song, and I’d sing along and I’d be in tears when she got to the part and sang “Babe you got the bluest eyes I've ever seen”.
The last date took place in an early sunny autumn day, we had stopped by Los Gatos for lunch and then wondered into a candy store. We bought candies and munched on them just outside of the store. On a bench we sat, read the paper and held hands like a couple. I thought it was the most perfect day. I thought I’d finally touched him.
Somehow my gut feeling was wrong. Whatever we had got fizzled out just as quickly as it first sizzled. I've since heard from him once in a great while and somehow when I closed my heart, I closed a piece of emotion and memory permanently as well. It was no more than a chapter of my life, yet sometime in the late hours I’d dream about him, and I wondered what it meant. I could never figure it out.
III Salt Lake City - present
The wind was blowing the curtain, and I could hear the train passing. I could see the whole city from where I sat, and I felt great. I thought about my sweetheart, and how much I desired his body. He was unique, in a sense that his love for me was so pure to the point that I knew that I would love him till the day I die. This time of the year New England was pretty and warm, unlike the days I visited him, when it was cold and snowing. I had not seen him for years now, yet I missed him and I loved him still. It was a strange feeling, as I didn't know why I would all of the sudden remember my sweetheart, and I wish I knew what was ahead, and I wish I knew if I would one day be with him and live happily after. All of the sudden my heart sank a little. Why was it so hard to love and be loved by someone? Why would love always be so unattainable? Why couldn't I just pack my bag and move to the East Coast and fall in love with someone who's equally crazy about me? What was holding me back? Should I be expecting miracles? Should I continue to play the games set up by you?
I sat back and let my mind drift to the wonderland. In my fantasy my sweetheart and I reunited and we had together found the secret path to the eternal happiness - all we had to do was to say "Open Sesame."
IV San Francisco
Last night you came into my dream again. I swore that I’d never met you before but you claimed that you'd known me for a while. In fact you knew of my schedule better than I knew about my own. You asked me where I would be staying in Salt Lake City and whether I’d be staying in the same Marriott again next week in Portland Oregon. You told me that you'd come to visit me in Salt Lake City. You were so certain about me that you didn't even take a no for an answer.
We went to fly kite by the Ocean Beach. You held my hand as I clumsily fumbled through the rope that tied to the kite. The kite struggled a bit but in the end gave up and took a few dives into the sand. You finally came up from behind and put your hands on top of mine. I could feel your breath and it scared me a little. I was this close to your lips. In your convertible, as we waited for the top to be put back on, you fixed your eyes on me, and I couldn't return your stares. You said to me – “how could you be so shy yet so strong.” And with that you kissed me. You kisses were small and soft but frequent and solid. How could you show so much affection in such a short time span? I couldn't figure you out and I still didn't know how to play your game.
You were a sharp dresser, I loved the way you took care of your looks and I loved the way you treated me. You were an experienced lover – no doubt in my mind. I kept on searching in my mind – and I asked myself over and over again – “Who are you anyway?” You were not M, that I knew for sure. M had been right handed but you were left handed like me. Yet you looked like M, talked like M and you both moved to San Francisco from the same East Coast city. We ordered sushi and then green tea and mango ice cream. You fed me as I busy talked about the stories of my past. You fed me spoon by spoon, so erotic and so sensuous that I thought I’d melt along with the ice cream. Later on that night we drove to Portola hill to get more ice cream. We held hands, sitting outside of this little ice cream shop like a couple. Yet I knew all of it was a pre-defined game, the first one who crossed the line would lose. I played cautiously and intensely. I was drawn to your game more so than I first expected. You were so at ease in this game that I thought you were for real. I was fascinated by your intensity and sensitivity. It was a rare quality. Hence I was convinced that you weren't for real. You were too good to be real. You were setting traps for this game that we were playing. The first one who fell for the other will be the ultimate loser and I was determined not to be the one. I was getting more and more involved in your defined game, however. I was getting more intense and more vulnerable to you. I was also getting clingy to you - that truly scared me. I was afraid that one day when you call it quits I'd still want to play the game, yet you'd already vaporized like the morning fog and I’d cry over the loss of my game mate. God help me!
You kissed me when I wasn't watching, you stole the kisses from me like a little boy stole his favorite candy from a jar hidden by the adults in a secret cabinet. We felt asleep in each other's arms at night. I woke up in the middle of the night, you were on your side of the bed, arms reaching out to my side of the bed. I just realized that all this time you had been holding my hand. You were the master of the game, when you invented it, you had carefully covered each of your foot steps. You could never lose.
I told you that I was a cat. I had nine lives to live. Each one of them constituted its own journey. I told you that our journey was approaching to an end. I was never a super woman, nor was I as strong and independent as I made myself out to be. I was really quite fragile under the tough surface. My heart was a clear crystal, if you pressed any harder than you already did, it would break into millions of pieces and I would never be able to put them back again.
You wouldn't believe me. So you laughed. You had your way with me and I didn't know what to make out of it.
V. Salt Lake City - present
I felt asleep by the balcony. It was a peaceful and warm summer night in Salt Lake City. I turned off the AC in my hotel room, and put on a long T-shirt from my sweetheart. I didn't know where you were, who you were with and whether we'd be playing your game again soon. I was told that you've never lost in the past. Many had emptied their pockets to you and surrendered with shame and lost dignity. But I wouldn't give up so easily. I would play until I lose every card on the table. And before I would give myself up and kill another life of mine, I only have one request for you - whisper to my ears before I die, and tell me what is your secret to success?
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