Anger Rules - February 1997

Anger, disappointment and passion in life often trigger the so called creativity. We all have different ways to look at things, feel things and form our own opinions. By no means, what you see or sense here is what the truth is in each and everyone’s eyes. Sometimes, loneliness is the best friend for those who need space and time to recollect things, people and events; tears are the best medicine for those who understand life is a continuous roller coaster ride, there are going to be ups and inevitably, downs too.

February 1997 in remembrance of an ending

Reunited - Feb. 97

"Let’s take it slow” you said.
Wonder why after so many months,
so many nights, so many days, 

were you worth the wait

?

"Let’s meet again” you said.
Wonder why after so many breakups,
so many fights, so much madness,
were you worth the date
?

"How weird after all this time" you said. 

Your nakedness is still utterly familiar,
your breath your heat your smell your hair, 

I find myself floating in the air.

"Let me hug you kiss you taste you" you said. 

"I missed you so how was the winter back East?" 

"Is my sleepy town…
still covered with snow on the ground?"



My face reddened – was it the merlot or the sunset

like the little girl caught stealing candy 

embarrassment mixed with fear 

but the sweetness remained 



When you left
the wind blowing curtain

you said
"see you same time again" 


I sat by the porch
in my red silk kimono
surprised by the brightness
it was a full moon 


Good-bye

It’s the last time 

climbing the stairs 

gathering my belongings

from your warm apartment


It’s the last time 

seeing your face
sitting in your comfy chair 

talking to you


I hid my tears well
I hid my anger well 

I hid my disappointment 

and the rest 


Pretend to be a brave woman 

I carried my luggage
out of your apartment 

down to the stairs


I left with a smile on my face
you’d never know 

the times I cried
that you hurt me so...




Polk Street

I think I will never walk on 

Polk Street again 

Until the pain is over, done, erased


I was once missed
When you walked by 

Our favorite ice-cream shop


I had tears in my eyes 

As you said you’d wait
Until the day WE were back


Together 

We’d order Tea Ice Cream

Your hands holding mine



Mirage

You built a castle 

with fresh air fresh paint


I was your queen
playing in your kingdom


dancing with the music
next to a lake


until the sun went down 

sand blown by the wind


It was never there 

not the castle not you



Reference

I am your reference

not a job application 

not a rental agreement


I am your reference 

for the next woman in line
for the next "chick" you date


I am your reference 

your girlfriend on the paper 

although I never wore the title


you tell them 
that
you too are able to commit
I am your reference



Nineties Style

We shook hands 

smiling and promising 

the next get together ought to be soon


We are the self-proclaimed 

nineties couple 

no yelling no hatred no hard feelings


We talked about everything
leaving little for imagination or 

misunderstanding


We are mature adults 

we tell our friends we broke up
due to irreconcilable difference 


Learned from the ancient Chinese well 

we know how to save faces 

we are good at hiding feelings 

and swallowing tears



Decorations

They think we made a great couple 

You holding my hands kissing my lips 

When they were around

"how sweet how considerate how affectionate"


They think we made a compatible couple
You are so good to me I am good to you 

When they are around 

"how cute how awesome how perfect"


When they heard we broke up 

They thought you’d come to senses

I’d forget and forgive
I'd make a cute sister-in law 

Your brother said


But I’ve cheated myself enough
to believe your coldness 

would melt away with the winter


I was no more than
a decorative plant 

in your living room



Talk

Yesterday you sat on my bed
where you often lay 

your face smiling 

the same confidence


You wanted to talk 

how awkward
after my swearing of 

never to see you again 


You wanted to talk 

how unusual 

after our heated quarrels
seeing each other again 


I was busy thinking
formulating an answer 

but our bodies 


spoke their own language instead 



Emotional Cage

I stared at the instant message 

on the screen monitor

you are canceling on me again 

just like the previous game


I’m on your to-do list 

the bottom page

invisible corner 

removable chapter


Friends warned 

millions of times 

HOW STUPID HOW CRAZY 

HAVEN’T YOU HAD ENOUGH OF HIM?

HAVEN’T YOU LEARNED?


I’m trapped
in my own emotional cage 

with a water bowl full


reflections of a frightened child 

handcuffs and chains

made in October


:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::Interlude::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Letter to a friend yes I'd like to see Absolute Power with you. It has to be somehow next weekend since you are going to be out of town this weekend, unless tomorrow night might work for you (doubt it though since you are leaving Friday). It's just how the biz goes when it rains it pours. I I stayed in town and gave up some opportunities to be with you know who, and look at what happened, it's pretty ironic! My girlfriend in real estate is going to make $200K this year, she's very cute and potentially can be yet another old maid like me, relationship is a toughest business of all. I don’t know if she’d stay with her boyfriend long. After all, this is San Francisco, a singles heaven. Bay area living is not conducive for relationships, but is for romances, except it’s often hot and cold, one minute you are swearing forever, the next minute you are French kissing someone else on a street corner. OK so I am exaggerating, but I am close, very close. Tomorrow 11:30 can you meet at my building? 555 California street by the lobby unless you know a restaurant name and can give me directions and we can meet there instead. life is pretty funny at times, I just started to enjoy being at home and now I am again going to be traveling. I will try to fly back every weekend though. Unless it's to a place I'd like to stay over, such as NYC or San Diego. Thanks for not looking at me differently after reading the web site. I did some updated work last night, late last night. The truth is that I have a very creative and imaginative mind and I almost always crave for loneliness - the starving artist syndrome. I love being close to someone but when I am in a relationship, doesn't matter how short it seems, I get antsy and I lose all of my creativities. I almost always crave for the sadness in life, in the tragic kingdom I am the queen. now I sound like I'm a commitment freak, but that's hardly the case, I get hot often, I rush into things and I sacrifice a lot to be with someone, but it often brings in disappointment in life as the receiving end starts to take things for granted. I literally baby him and treat him like a king when I am with that person. I'm an addictive person in nature, I am addictive to passion. When a romantic thing dies, I transfer my passion to things I genuinely like, work, scuba, golf, workout, my new townhouse and my writing. I sleep 4 hours a day and I am constantly on a verge of discovering new theories, new lines or new excitement in life. I have no need for Prozac, I am the Prozac. Enough of that crap! you say. So that's a nutshell behind the scenes of "Victoria's Secrets (no, not the lingerie shop)", it certainly takes more than a bikini shot to attract web cruisers, so I hope. I consolidated all of my newest pictures and put them in a separate page so people can get straight to what I have to say and express instead of getting side tracked to some cute Asian girl pictures on the net - OK, so I think I'm kind of cute... Sorry, informational junk overload. I will stop now...

◦                     ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::End of Interlude:

Last Day in Paradise

I made an extended stay 

to be with you
first day in paradise


I took an earlier flight
to leave you
last day in paradise


What a mistake
you say 

when two bodies connected 

mind drifted 


What a mistake 

I say
when two souls met 

everything is too late



Immortal

He asked me
what made you

so important to me


The same question 

asked by others
many times before


I had the same 
blank stares
dreamy eyes
leery voice

Could you be

immortal to me? 


Windy night at my new house

Quarter after midnight
wind blowing 

candle burning 

firewood cracking


dimming city lights
darkened sky line
wine bottle unopened 

waiting for you 


Emptiness

your hands 

hungered for my breasts
your lips
searched for mine 


in the dark

you whispered

"no more talking kiss me!"


I lowered my knees…


twenty minutes of mouthful
exchanged for
ten years of emptiness 


University Café - Palo Alto

coffee, tea, deserts 

among my most favorite things
listening to you


no promises

no giddiness
no declarations


your words soothing
Irish flair remained 

in the University Cafe


trust, passion, understanding
among my most needed things
being with you