You are my moon

This story was written about a relationship that had long ended. Yet I thought the analogy still applies in modern relationship. We don't always, or we can't always define relationships. Human relationships are more complex and less explainable. 

This was written along that school of thoughts. Taken directly from my private blog.

When I think about my husband, he is the sun. I admire the warmth he exudes, he gives me comfort, shelter, my safety net and he loves me for better or worse. I don't have to hide, I can be whomever I am, I can be honest, vulnerable, sad, happy and distant. He accepts me the moment he married me. He knows the darkest history of my life, he gave me the strength to move on and leave the past behind. He knows how many men I've been with, and he knows that I had feelings for them. He simply accepted me for whom I am.

He's logical, he's my rock. He is whom I would aways will go home to.

But you, sir, you are my moon. You come with high tides and low tides. You are temperamental, you are insecure, you worry that I'd leave you so you leave me first, you care, I know that you do, but you are controlling. You want everything to be done on your terms, you won't tell me how you feel, and even if you did reveal, I know that I would have to discount it. I think you care for me, you ask for how I feel about you, constantly, because I think you worry about your feeling would be hurt, had I not felt what I felt for you. You talk a good game, but I think you have true feelings for me, I just don't know what they are.

I know you care - because when I told you that I liked that when you put your status on your messenger when you travel, you did that, even after we broke it off. I liked when you went to places in the world that I knew where you were. I knew that you cared because regardless how busy you were,  you respond to me. You don't ignore me, though you could be short with me, you tell me what it was.  When I say good bye, you always respond. Perhaps you are just like that with other people too, but I feel that there was that genuine connection, even though it might have been broken, the feeling we had for each other lingered. I can't believe that everything could be manufactured and be fake. I felt your pain when you were upset, and I felt that sense of withdrawal because I did not turn out to be whom you had wished me to be, but I knew that you cared.  I would not be here if I knew that you didn't. I'm of water sign. I am drawn to the moon. I follow it like the tides. I feel at peace when you are in my life. Shining through the dark cloud.

Ever fly in the evenings? I used to fly a lot in the middle of the night across the Pacific or Atlantic. I was always amazed by how shiny the moon was, up in the crowd. I liked to look out, and I wonder if I could reach tall and grab hold of that piece of shine. You are like that. So unattainable. So out of reach, yet so intimate in my life. I reach out to you, you respond to me. I find that I draw you in, despite the fact you fight it back. So perhaps our relationship is just like the ocean and the moon. We need each other for the world to go around.

You had asked me how I viewed you / us? I told you that you add value.  That sounded like bullshit, a typical consultant bullshit.   But it's not without merit.  Without you, my day will be all just sun, and I need moon to cool me down, to take me to places where I had not realized existed. I can't deny the attraction. There is a invisible string that ties us. I know that because the way you command me, it's intimate, it's familiar, and it's too much like a relationship than plain friendship. I have been so used being in control, so I want to be led. I want to be on the submissive side when I'm with you. I want you to tell me what to do, I want to be feeling out of control, that's probably the part that puzzles me, but the longer I'm involved with you, the more I realize that portion of it, the more I realize that your M.O. fits my need perfectly.

I don't want you to be predictable, to be communicative, to be nice, even. I was looking for that element of surprise, the element of unknown from you, someone who is intimate, controlling, even emotionally abusive, and rude, because that's what I needed at this point of my life. I always know that you would be the catalyst for me to seek the professional help that I long needed.

When I'm running, I think about you, I think about the way you had come into my life, demanding the emotional attachment from the get go, and I fought hard for it, I thought what I needed was sex, and I realized now what I wanted was something different, I have not quite figured out what it was yet. But somehow I knew you will play an instrumental role in my road to self discovery and recovery.

I have given up many things in life to be good. I have not given up the urge, the impulse to let you go. You are my moon. You come in different shapes and different moods. You are unpredictable, I don't know if you'd show - because of the cloud, the wind, you may be showing up on one night and disappear on the other night. I can't tell if we would continue, and if so, for how long.

I sense that fragile side of you, and that side is the same as mine. I have come to realize that I manufacture feelings for men, tailored to suit their individual's needs. Yet part of me know that's how you are as well. I saw you in me, me in you.

All I know is that you are my moon, I need you like the ocean needs its tides. I need you to be there by my side. To hold me, to tell me what you really feel. To tell me that I am not the only one who feels the same way about us.