Diary of a Lost Soul

Every five months you go into a deep valley. Early December, Early May and Early October. For December, you were in the valley for 1 month, For May, you were in the valley for two weeks. For October, you were in the valley for exactly 1 week. What is the secret to speedy recovery? Very simple. Through psychoanalysis, you begin to recognize patterns, you reverse your steering wheel, you head into a new direction. When you see a vacant spot in your heart, a dark hole that bleeds, a heart screams for help, a void that you cannot fulfill, sadness engulfs your spirit, you need to tough it out, you just have to hang tight, and when you drop to the bottom of the cliff, you know you will come back, you know that you are the phoenix born into the fire and you will resurface with iron wings charging into the sky.

You know that your mood is affected by the other, rationality does not apply, logic does not work, only you can amend your own wound, the other cannot help you, the other cannot hear your scream, you are soundless, helpless, oblivious of the world passing you by, you may be bipolar, you may be manic depressive, you may be simply lost, you may be depending on the other to save you, but the other won’t come, the other has disappeared into thin air, the other has no concerns over your malnutrition, the other comes and goes as he pleases, the other does not exist but in your head.

All you can do is to watch yourself drop to the bottom of the cliff, waiting for your life to die and the other life to be reborn. You cry to sleep, you cry to wake, you cry as you write to the other who will not reply, the other who has never seen this side of you, , the other who has never seen these letters, the other who does not exist but in your head. You declare love. Love for the other that will never die. Except that you are dead. How could you hold love for the other when you no longer exist?

The crackling bones, the lovely cracking shining white bones at the bottom of the cliff are the only remains of you. The new you stare at these bones, stunned, confused and definitively outraged. You want to scream to the other - why? Why? But the other won’t reply, the other has left you, soundlessly, exit left stage, and obliviously how broken you were once.

But even if he does come back, you know you won’t recognize him. All its left are those crackling bones, pearl white, laying at the sandy beach, bleached and dried, soon it just looked like driftwoods, blending into the nature, as if the old you never existed. You know the universe hears you, it sends what you needs.  You ascend and you no longer feels the pain.

Just like that, the vacancies have been filled. You are made whole again. Today is a new beginning. Tomorrow the sun shines brighter. Welcome back, you lost soul!