Woman did not realize there was ever a mirror there on the wall.
“Was that new?” She asked.
“No, it was there before.” Man answered, while looking himself in the mirror, tidying up his shirt.
Woman mentally disagreed. It couldn’t have been there, she was on that floor, getting fucked before, she didn’t recall there was a mirror there, she’d have seen herself in the reflection.
“What does that E stand for?” Woman asked while pointing at man’s shirt.
“Edwin.” Man answered.
“I had no idea that you had a middle name.”
Woman was still laying on bed, half covered by a white blanket, her other bare half dangling outside of the sheets. Naked.
“What is that painting? Was it new also?” Woman continued with her questioning.
“What are you looking at?” Man came towards her, and then turned to look at the direction she was pointing.
“It’s been there for a long time. Since the beginning.”
“Beginning as in what? Beginning as in when we started seeing each other? Or beginning when you moved here?” Woman had thousands of questions.
“Since I moved here.” Man answered.
“I’d like to see you more. When it’s raining.” Woman requested.
“That can be arranged. We are getting into the raining season.” Man held her earlier, in bed.
It was a middle of afternoon, the streets were quiet, the house perched up high on a hill, you could see the sail boat out on the sea, the wind was warm, and the sun was beaming down, and man liked his place quiet, tidy and man liked his woman bare.
There was a point in one’s life when things had definitely calmed down. No drama, no uncertainties, and no unrealistic expectations. Woman had always been good at relationships. One after another, never had trouble keeping man around. She wondered why her friends often complained about not able to find a suitable mate. One time her girlfriend asked of her, “What do you think of him? Do you think you are in love with him? I know you love him.” She was not sure how to answer it. She did the best she could. “I don’t know. I love him. I am in love with him. I’ve always known that I’d love him. I don’t know what the difference is.” The definition of “love” and “being in love” was a perplexing one for the woman. She only knew one way to love a man. She loved with all her heart, her body, her soul, and the love she knew meant that she wanted him to be free. Free to do whatever he desired, free to love another, if he so chose, and free to leave her, if he so chose. She knew the only way to potentially keep anyone around for a long time, is to let that person go. It was counter-intuitive, but she didn’t know another way.
“You do know that he’s married. He has a child with her. He won’t leave her. He’s not available.” Her girlfriend would continue.
“But you know, it’s our age. We are at age now where many are married. I can’t control that.” She would reply so matter-of-factly.
“What if he were to leave his wife and ask you to be with him?” Her girlfriend was relentless.
“I’d be with him. I won’t get married. I would be just with him.” She would always answer.
It was a hypothetical question that she knew would yield false hope and unrealistic expectations. She did not want that at all. But she knew her answer, just in case.
A year ago, when she met him, at a wine bar after work, she thought she saw a ghost. A man who looked just like her ex-husband. She knew it was not her ex, her ex-husband had moved to England with his now wife. She was drawn to the man, so against her better instinct, she approached the man and introduced herself. Man did not wear a wedding ring. Man said that wedding ring gave him callus on her hand, she was left handed, and she understood. Man was also left handed like her ex-husband, like her. They drank wine, had dinner and then man invited her over to another bar, there in the dark they made out. Man worked in the city, had a pied-à-terre in the city, and a house in Marin. Man told her that he had been married for 10 years, his wife did not work, and stayed at home. He ran a small consulting firm, specializing in mergers and acquisition. The business had been rough, but he had his booking of business through referrals and reputation. Man had been in the same line of business for his entire life, ever since he got out of graduate school, the same school back east, as it turned out, as her ex-husband. Ex-husband and man were 8 months apart. Woman wondered if he'd recognize her ex. She had changed her name back to her maiden name. That topic never came up. Woman had hopped around a bit before landing this desk job at a small equity firm. She didn’t mind her long trading hours schedule, she was off at 3 and she was often seen in her gym on Montgomery Street, next to where the man worked and also where man worked out.
They never had a routine. They saw each other once a few weeks, man was busy and did not have a lot of time on his hand, he went home every night when he was in town and he saw her during lunch, lunch being the operative word. On special occasions such as holidays, they managed to spend a night together, though never on the actual holiday, but close enough.
A year later, man declared that he loved her. By then woman had known for a while she loved him back so when that magic word was blurred out, she knew that the feeling was finally mutual.
Another girlfriend, still married with two kids recently asked the woman, “So what does it mean? What do you want out of this? What is your future with him?” Woman looked at her concerned girlfriend, again, puzzled by the questions.
“I don’t know what you mean by ‘future’. I have a future. I love him. Isn’t that enough?” She answered.
“But what do you want to get out of it? What is that you get out of it? He’s married, he can’t be with you.” Her girlfriend asked.
“He is with me. We share a lot in common. We get along fabulously. As for his state of marriage, I don’t expect him to leave his wife, his child, he’s a responsible person. He should stay with them.” She answered.
Sometimes woman looked at other women with children, and spouses and wondered if she had been missing a lot all along, and if her state of not wanting to get married again had a lot to do with her parents’ divorce, her own divorce, or if she just had not met the right guy to settle down with. But in a strange way, she’s already settled down, she’s settled down with the man, a man whom she loved with all her heart, and she belonged with him, and he knew it all along. It’s just a matter of how you look at things.
Most women would find this perspective confusing. A woman who was in love with a man but without the expectation of actually being with the man on a full time basis, a woman who did not expect a future with a man she loved, how could it be? How could any of this make sense?
Woman liked to travel. She traveled a lot, mostly to western Europe, but lately she’s been going to South America. She had started to take Spanish class on weekends. She liked the remote rural cities as much as she liked the busy streets of Paris and Rome. Wherever she went she brought back something small, sometimes candies, sometimes a shirt, but always a toy, a boy toy. She liked boy toys, she used to buy them for her nephews, but her nephews had grown into teenagers, she still bought toys for 6 to 8 year old. Her man had a young boy, a 4 year old boy. She brought this boy, whom she never met, a toy each time she went to a new place. Man always thanked her. She did it out of habit; she did it because she felt the man’s boy was important to the man, and therefore important to her.
She had once asked the man what his wife looked like, man described his spouse to the woman. She wondered how could she look so different from the woman man’s married to, and yet she did not ask.
Through singles meet up groups, woman met other women like herself. Women who were also divorced and dating married men. She knew that she was not alone in this situation, but many wanted to eventually remarry. She didn’t. She didn’t know how to convince her concerned girlfriends. They thought she only said it to not keep her hopes up. But she never wanted to be remarried. She didn't want anything to change.
This is her life.
This is the way things ought to be.
This is her life.
This is the way things ought to be.
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