Bigger Rock to Hide My Feelings

There is always an aftershock of a sort. My trip had gone well but the aftershock had stunned me. It nearly knocked me out completely, this goes to show you that you don't know when and which part of your past would sneak up on you. 

In 1998, I briefly dated him. I was still seeing my boyfriend back east. In 2012, I am dating him, I am married, I saw my then boyfriend back east.  This was meant to be a rude awakening. When things tumble down just like that, it was a messy situation all over again.

But surprisingly it didn't feel messy. It felt organized, no chaos, no remorse. Just longing. My longing for him.

I think feelings should be outlawed. Someone who knew me more than I know myself once asked me "what are you going to do now? Hide under the rocks all your life?"  He failed to account for the fact that part of the reason that I'm under the rocks is because I am afraid of getting hurt. Like everyone else, like him. I hurt him. He was upset with me. He then hurt me.  And the world goes round and round like nothing has ever happened. We are now back on being "friends". Whatever that means. He won't see me, he won't tell me why. I suspect he thinks that he can't control what he feels about me, conflicted, but still with physical longing. I don't have that for him. I don't feel that way any more. I moved on. 

I moved my feeling elsewhere.  I am still hiding under the rocks.

My issue (well, I have lots of issues, this is just one of them) is that I'm tired of hiding under the rocks. 

I need to snap out of it. I need to find a bigger rock to hide.