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You and I have agreed to go on a date this Friday. I had said that I wanted it to be a proper date. But I thought why a proper date, why can't we make it an adventure of a sort? I am not a proper date kind of gal. I wanted adventure.
So these were my two dreams tonight on the train.
I had texted you and asked you to meet me at a strip club in the red light district. I was already waiting for you in a private enclosed booth. A fit, lean, scantly clad stripper was giving me a lap dance when you showed up. I asked her to give you a lap dance. I tipped her extra so that she was doing something more than the routine to you. Then to me. I could tell that you were turned on. We left the club. It was dark and it was in an ally where you had asked me to go down on you. There was no one watching and it was quiet. The street and the ally were deserted. I gave you head until you came in my mouth. I liked swallowing. You tasted good, as always.
Then the scene had changed.
I had texted you and said that "let's play!" I was already waiting for you at the bar at the Westin St. Francis hotel. It was a crowded bar at the ground level. I was in a very short dress, with no stockings and no underwear. I was in a pair of red velvet shoes. I was having a cocktail when you walked towards me. I nodded politely. I didn't seem to recognize you. You said that you were out of town. You made up a name. I said "Fantastic, what do you do for a living?"
You said that you consulted and you were here for a meeting. You asked me what was my deal. I said that you ought to find out. We chatted, I made up stories about me. You made up stories about you. You told me that you had a flight to catch and you had only two hours. I asked you if you would like to fuck. You said only if I would be willing to be tied up, you might want to slap me around, take a piss on me, and give anal sex a go. I said that these were extraordinary demands, and for right price, I would do anything you wanted me to do and be whomever you wanted me to be.
You said "So you are a prostitute". I said "I am a professional." You said "prove it". I took your hand and hailed a cab with you. The rest of the two hours I spent proving my point...
I wanted a good adventure with you. Setting the complex emotional stuff aside (which apparently I was no expert,) I wanted to have uncomplicated fun with you. I felt that I had come into your life to give you a release valve, or perhaps we were each others' release valves. I didn't really want to cause complication to your life, I didn't need to be maintained in a way that gives you extra work, I didn't want to be a cliche girlfriend, I wanted to look forward to some fun and exciting adventures ahead, with you. I wanted to keep you until you would tell me that you were sick and tired of me.
I sometimes confused love with lust, I thought lust and love were inevitably two peas in the same pod, I sometimes felt that emotional pull towards you, if I know what's good for me, I ought not to feel that way. In fact, was I even entitled to feel this way?
You often observed me from a distance. You often disappeared. I felt watched. Judged. I could always tell when you were upset. I could tell when you wanted to get away. Therefore, I sometimes felt that you were no more than a figment of my imagination. Perhaps you really didn't exist. I had dreamed every bit of you up. This was just some version of cosmic joke, an alternate universe. Perhaps I had created you with my imagination, my pen and paper. I had lost my mind. You didn't exist in this world. You never did. I had invented you so that I can have a sense of adventure. So I had a playmate to play with. Who were you anyway? Was I the insane one? Or was I the sane one but living in an insane, imaginary world where you had come alive in my head?
But I made a promise to you nonetheless. You, the imaginary you, who I was convinced did exist.
Here was what I had promised: "I will do my best to stop acting emotional, clingy, demanding, dissatisfied. Emotional attachment is inevitable in any sort of romantic relationship. I have thought that I can separate the two. I cannot. I will therefore accept the fact that I'm attached to you. I will not stop lusting over you. So let me be your toy. I want to embark on these fun adventures with you, or perhaps it's a journey we are already on, in which case, I'd like to continue, please."
I had never felt this sexually free with anyone else. I remembered the first night on the boat, you asked me to be your sex slave. I desired nothing more. I came into your life, to please you.
Therefore, this was what I was, am and will be to you.
Your.Kept.Secret.Your.Sex.Slave.Your.Whore.Your.Lover.
Your.Playmate.Your.Sexual.Partner.Your.Confidant.Your.Toy.
I Am Yours, period.
On that sticky floor where you last entered me, you had said in the heat of passion that you loved you and you'd take care of me. I recalled returning the "I love you". But here was thing. I placed less emphasis on the "I love you" as I did with "I'll take care of you." I thought that I needed to step away when you and I exchanged "I love yous" in the heat of passion. But I didn't need to. I was OK with that word after all, I was not OK with your promise of "I'll take care of you."
I was angry with it because you knew that was exactly what I wanted - I would like to be taken care, by you. I was tired being the one in charge. You couldn't possibly just say that, and then disappear. I was left to ponder, did I dream that one up too, along with that imaginary you? How could you say that you'd take care of me, and then leave me, and never to be heard again?
I instinctively felt that I belonged with you. That was how I truly felt. I was happy when I was with you. Love, in love, lust, in heat, these were just words, simple, unnecessary words. The emotions were real.
Happiness was real. I was always elated when I was with you. I knew that you were happy too when you were with me. That was as good of a declaration as any, and it required no definition.
"I love you" described the ordinary emotions ordinary people went through. I didn't want to discount these words. but I had given it some thought. A week long reflection. I now realized that it did not describe how I felt about you adequately.
It was too ordinary, and I preferred extraordinary. So, while I did feel the emotion of Love + Lust, that ultimate word that came to mind, still, after these many months, was "belong". As in, "I belong to you, I belong with you."I felt at home when I was with you.
Like a boat set to sail and wandered at sea for days, I had found my harbor. Even just for a night. I should dock and rest in the eye of the evening moon light.
You had always been my harbor. Imaginary or not.
I was safe and sound. Like it or not.
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