A Book

In 2009, I fell in love with the BBC mini-series North and South, and then I read the book written by Elizabeth Gaskell in 2010 while vacation in Europe. I absolutely loved the era and the unconsummated love. I always thought a proper love story should start slow, and then gradually build up. It's not in the words that were said, but in the actions the characters took, or not take. I still remember the scene where John Thornton said "Look Back, Look Back." Margaret did not. They finally reunite at the train station. I think I was born into the wrong era. I liked the way a relationship progressed over the years. I don't like a sudden surge of passion or departure. It felt more forced and short lived. I also liked the character Margaret, she was a very strong individual, had her own thoughts, and was proud. Men should be more attracted to women who are their own people. She did not back down and she always spoke her mind. I could identify with that. So this was my first attempt of writing something more subtle. 


"Here, you'd like this book." He handed her a book from his book shelf.

She was about to take off. So was he.

"I should be so lucky to have you as a friend." He said, his eyes were fixated at something, but she couldn't tell what, and she couldn't be sure if he was talking to her or the invisible person in the other room.

"Why?" She asked, surprised by his comment.

"You'd have such an easy time making friends. New ones." He said.

"But I don't want new friends. I want you. I always want you." She appeared to be hurt.

"Then, I shall be your friend. Always." He sounded resolute.

"It's settled then." She took the book from his hand. The book cover had a Japanese stencil, like a silk painting and a weird sounding name. She questioned his judgment. It would not appear to be something that she'd like to read. But she didn't say anything.

That earlier afternoon, they met up for coffee, near his apartment. Then he took her back to his apartment.

It was middle of the day. She's an elementary school teacher. He an architect. They had made a plan to meet up later that evening. But she had to go and visit her ailing mother that evening. He had to go and watch his son. He's divorced and sharing custody with his ex-wife. She lived with her boyfriend John, an internet guy, who owned a firm in the SoMa area.

The two of them had been friends for some time. There were moments where they thought they'd eventually end up together, but that moment was gone.

"It's a luxury to meet up in the middle of the day." He commented when they met up at the corner coffee shop.

"Yes, indeed. I had a short day, thankfully." She replied, sipping her non-fat latte sprinkled with nutmeg.

"I like this place. It's quiet." He had ordered a dry cappuccino. He's wearing a pair of greenish glasses, his hair had gone gray, she noticed it for the first time, it used to be golden, shiny, and she always wanted to run her hands through his hair, but it would appear to be too intimate. Something friends would not do. But she had that sudden urge. So she touched her mug, while looking away, pretending that she had not noticed his hair, pretending that she had not thought of running her hand through his curly, unruly hair.

"How's John?" He asked.

"He's fine. Away again. He's gone to Boston." She answered.

John, her boyfriend of five years, who lived with her, but was rarely around.

"What are you doing this weekend?" He continued with his questions.

"I plan to join him. He's asked me to come this time." She was getting uneasy. He's just a friend, but somehow, leaving him to join John felt like a betrayal.

"I'm going to a concert, this weekend." He seemed to say this to assure her that it was OK for her to be away, because he was busy too.

"That's great. Who's watching Richie?" She asked.

"Baby mama is back on Friday." He said.

She wanted to ask who he was going with but she knew she was not in a position to ask such things. She never asked what he was doing, who he was doing things with, what he was like outside of their interactions. It felt at times they were carrying on an affair, even though they were technically just friends.

"I have something for you. In my apartment. Would you like to come with me?" He asked causally.
"Sure. I haven't been to your place for a long time." She was getting up from her seat. He walked over, and put on her black trench coat. Her long wavy hair was caught inside the coat. He pulled her hair out of the coat, and said "there."

"Thank you." She wanted to loop her arm around his, as they were walking out. It was as if he knew that already, so he put his arm out, and waited for her. She hurried her steps, and looped her arm around his, they walked out of the coffee shop, her arm in his, and remained in that position until they arrived at his apartment. It was natural, but instinctively, she knew friends didn't do that. Lovers, yes, but friends, no.

"Here, this is a book for you. I wanted to give it to you, I think you'd like it." He handed the book. The book with Japanese stencil on the cover.

"OK. If you say so." She always listened to him. He had given her good advice over the years.

"I am happy that you made time for me. I like seeing you." He said to her earnestly.

"I like being with you. I always do. I want to be with you." She said it out loud. She wanted to say this for a long time now but she never had the guts.

"I like being with you too. Being with you makes me happy. I am lucky." He said.

"Then we shall see each other more." She said.

"Yes we should." He nodded his head.

They ran out of words to say to each other all of sudden. Seeing, seemed like an operative word. Seeing, did not mean that they'd become anything more than they were today, seeing, only meant that they'd meet up for coffee sooner than every few weeks.

"I should go. I need to head to Sacramento tonight, my mother is sick." She started to head out.

"Wait. I had another book for you, let me just look around one more time." He said suddenly.

"OK." She stood in the living room, looking at his family photos. She had never met his family, nor his friends. She had no idea what he was like outside of their limited interactions.

"You looked so young." She remarked.

"I was young." He laughed.

"I like the way you are now. I do." She assured him.

"I know, baby." He replied.

She was stunned. She thought she heard it wrong. He'd never called her "baby."

He walked back from the other end of the bookshelf, he appeared to be disappointed. "I couldn't find the other book." He said.

"No worries. I have a book to read. Plus I have a kindle. I read pretty much everything on my kindle nowadays." She decided not to pursue her curiosity over the use of the word "baby" by him.

"OK. I agree. I read mostly on mine too." He walked over. His eyes were dark blue, not unlike her own. She was feeling a bit melancholy. She didn't know when she'd see him again, and whether the use of word "baby" would come out of his mouth again.

"Let me at least drive you to Cal train. I need to head back to pick up my son from daycare anyway." He said to her. He ran his architectural firm not far from John's office. That was how she first met him. He was buying coffee and she was buying coffee for John, she always helped John out, she was the caretaker of the relationship. He bummed into her, he apologized and she said it was OK and they became friends.

"OK. Thank you." She felt that she should remain formal. They had always a very proper relationship. She wondered if her arm looping into his changed all that, she wondered if he called her "baby" because of it.

"When will you be back?" He asked nonchalantly.

"Monday. I think. I have class to teach on Monday." She was already wondering why he was asking her that.

"I shall see you next week then." He looked straight ahead as they were walking towards his car, parked on the street between 7th and Brennan.

"OK. Next week then." She nodded her head, and looked relaxed for once. Meeting schedule with him had been completely random over the years, but she enjoyed each meeting and looked forward to the next one. She wondered what made him to want to see her more often. They usually managed to meet up every so often, but not once did they meet more than once or twice a month. At the most.

They walked over to his car, and he opened the passenger side of door for her to get in. John never did that. She didn't expect John either, but with him, she expected it, and he did it without asking. She couldn't figure out what it was with the two of them. It was as if there was an unwritten code. It was as if they had belonged. They had always been in sync.

He got into his car, and started the engine. Just then, he leaned over, and kissed her. She was surprised by it all, she didn't push him away, either. She had, somehow expected it to happen, at some point, but she just didn't know when. As it turned out, "when" was that precise moment. She found her kissing him back, while asking him, "Why?"

He put his arm around her, while pressing on with the kissing.

"Because I need you." He answered.

"I'm happy when I see you. I am happy because of you." He kissed her some more and continued his sudden declaration of emotions. Emotions she didn't know he possessed.

She was afraid of asking him why he "needed" her. She didn't seem to want to know, nor did she care. She needed him too. The word "need" had a different connotation than the word "want". He did not use the word "want". He chose word carefully, as he often did.

She let him. Until he was done, kissing her.

"Baby." He held her tiny hands. She felt weak. Sudden dizzy spell hit her.

"I have to go. I need to catch the 4 o'clock train." She broke free of his hold.

"OK." He released her hand and started to drive.

Pretty soon they arrive at the train station.

He did not get out of the car. His eyes were looking ahead. He was deep in thoughts. She began to worry that he had changed his mind. She was feeling a sense of panic.

"I need you too. I am decidedly a happier person because of you." She came clean.

"Then it's settled. We will see each other next week. Tell me how you like this book." He said.

"May I?" She had the sudden urge to follow through her earlier impulse.

Without getting his approval, she ran her hand through his hair and pressed her lips against his; his lips felt warm and moist, a hint of coffee.

"Your hair is turning gray. I like it." She finally let her private thoughts known to him.

"Good, baby." He returned her kiss and then said "You gotta go. You don't want to be late for the train, for your mom."

"Yes, I should go." She jumped out of his car and waved goodbye as he pulled away.

She hopped on the train and got settled in a seat by the window.

She opened this book that he gave her. It was about a married woman, leaving her husband, for another man.