For my clever friend. Your discussion with me inspired me to write this piece.
Yes
you can tell I'm still a bit peeved about this woman friend defriending
me on FB because she broke up with her guy who is a friend to me. I
suppose she had to make a choice and I am of course not her friend to
start with. I liked her. I had a connection with her, I thought she was
super cool, nice and hip. But at the end of the day, I suspect she pull
the plug because he did not want to get to the next stage (see my prior
note the Unmarriable Man).
I had a revelation - it came
to me but not independently. It came through a discussion, I'll leave it
at that (and my first paragraph give my friend the credit he/she
deserves so there). But I think it's such a marvelous idea (well, it's
as marvelous of an idea as anything at 12:30 AM PST).
Here
is my proposal to people are in a relationship (but not married). Can
the person who is initiating the break up give the other person at least
2 months of advance notice? Sort of notice when you give to your
employer and let them know that you are interested in pursuing other
opportunities but it's best that you don't tell them too much beyond
that. Just tell them that you will stick around to tie loose ends, to
transition your knowledge (in this case, ease the pain of the person
who's about to get dumped), and be a genuinely good person and show that
you are a trooper until the end. Like I did with my prior employer.
You leave on a GOOD NOTE.
We'd all agree job interviews
are like dating. I was going through a dating experience with my current
employer. The dynamic of push and pull, the getting-to-know-yous, the
I-like-you-little, I-like-you-a-lot, I-like-you-madly, the
playing-hard-to-get were just too much. It was an intense experience,
but in the end it worked out, because it was meant to be (as they say in
successful relationships that often resulted in marriage and children).
So
when you decouple, why can't you treat it like a graceful exit of
leaving your prior employment? Unless you are an asshole, in which case,
well, good riddance.
But as they say in the corporate
world, you don't want to burn any bridges. And as I'd always advise my
younger girlfriends, rather than trying to meet someone new, why not be
green and recycle your old liaisons (one girl reported to me recently
that she just started seeing two ex'es at the same time and things are
working out greatly - because she just wants to have sex and those two
are already known quantity. She thanked me by buying me coffee.)
So having said that, why not exit gracefully by giving your partner a respectful period of notice?
I'd
like to propose at least 2 months notice. Tell her/him that you are
considering pursuing other opportunities (granted, that other
opportunity may have already availed him/herself and you are already
going steady / committing to that one - liked a signed contract to start
your new job in a week), and that it's best that you part ways soon.
But you will be there for her/him, and that whatever it is that she/he
needs, you are still the go-to person. You will ensure a smooth
transition, you will ensure that she/he finds a suitable replacement, in
fact, you may even want to offer to help her/him to interview for your
replacements. Be her/his wingman, take her/him out, and help her/him
finding your replacement and even offer some on the job training to
ensure a smooth transition. Offer some support, sexual support,
emotional support, and even a little cuddling to help the other person
to feel that you still care a great deal, and it's really not their
fault (it's because it's an easier commute - hmm... better not use that
excuse but you get the gist), it's yours. You care a great deal of
her/him, you are so damn lucky to have met her/him, and it was the best
period of your life, in another word, lie through your teeth if you
must. The goal is for that other person to feel that you valued her/him,
and that it was truly a difficult decision and he/she thought very hard
before making that decision.
That would make your soon-to-be ex feel good.
Because
here is the thing. You don't really want to burn bridges. You don't
know what your life would turn out with your secondary opportunity. What
if you make a terrible mistake and you already pissed that person off
so much they won't even look at you? What if in the future, you want to
get in touch with that person because you do like that person as a
friend? What if you grow older and you decide to adopt what I had
advocated in an earlier paragraph and you wanted to try to recycle?
A
friend had told me that for men, sometimes after certain age, they look
back and examine their past dating life and wonder from time to time
who might have worked out, had they been in different places, had they
been more in sync with one another then.
That logic
applies here. Bottom line is - you don't want to burn any bridges if you
don't have to. Give your partner the graceful exit, help her/him find
your replacement, or at least give her/him some notice and be extra nice
(because no one cares what you were like before, but they will remember
how you exit a job/relationship), so that when you leave this period
behind your ex will appreciate you as a person.
Because,
trust me, you don't want to be in a position where you look back, and
realized that you are totally fucked up, or if you are lonely and that
ex of yours was a super good lay and now you can't go back to her/him
because you broke it off so suddenly.
So that's my theory.
Don't
exit left, soundlessly, be a man(woman), own up to it, give some good
notice, and write a lovely departure note to boot. Because really, who
knows what will happen in say a matter of a decade or more? You may find
the person whom you broke up with, was truly your soul mate, and you
were just too idiotic to see it at that time.
And if you
had given a good notice, the door, as my former employer told me once
when I left, is always open for you, my dear. Come back anytime.
Check.Mate.
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