Counting the days when the pain will go away

I count the days.

I count the days I would stop crying. Stop fantasizing returning to him. Be kissed by him, be carried away by him. Be told by him that he loved me and he was sorry.

I count the days I would stop thinking about him. Stop hurting myself for wanting to be with him. Stop dreaming about being with him. Stop fantasizing and recalling the way we used to be.

I cry.

I cry because I don't know what else to do.

The words, the kind words he says about how he liked the way I look were exactly how it used to work on me, every time. The moment he said something nice like that, I used to run back to him. He used to say things like this and I just melt.

They were just words. Carefully crafted words to lure me back.

On the other hand, I wondered if our interaction, our courtship is largely based on that. Based on the fact it was all just a fantasy. He enjoyed being with me. He enjoyed courting me, and when I was being warm and needy he back away. When I was distant and cease to exist in his life, he misses me.

I know how it would go. It just takes me to say "I miss you".

He will reply, "I miss you too."

Then I'd say "Can I see you?"

He will say, "Yes."

And we'd go back to exactly where we started and I'll end up where I end up today.

Broken.

I can't. I can't. I can't.

But I love him.

I love every inch of him.

When I'm with him, I'm the happiest person in the world.

When I'm not with him, I'm also the most miserable person in the world.

I know he still wants me. He always will.

He thinks I'm beautiful.

But I don't feel wanted.

I don't believe that he desire me anymore.

I don't want to be with anyone who no longer wants me.