There would always be others but no one is you.
One day, you used to write, "One day I would be alright."
One day came and went. You were still flawed. Like the evil queen, you'd look at the mirror, and say, "Mirror Mirror, who's the fairest of them all?" You were insecure, emotionally distant, and consequently needed to be told that you were desired and loved and you did everything you could to please those who said those flattering words. You needed approval, from men, from women, from anyone you felt attracted to. You couldn't stand being left in the dark, in the cold, and you were constantly seeking those moments of high, the high was never really there, there was a gaping hole in your life that you never got a chance to fulfill. You never could figure out how. You were damaged and wired differently. You never felt secure wherever you were.
You were never good at being at the same place with the same person. That was your fundamental flaw. Everyone saw what they needed to see and everyone gave you what they thought you wanted to see or hear. You had names for them. Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, D, E, etc. That was you pattern. Then you had offsetters. Offsetters were those who served as balance to a Plan. Like a contingency planning. You were comfortable when you had each Plan lined up and each person fit into a mode. It was a music chair, when one person dropped off you nominated a new person. You created a persona for each person and you hid behind those persona, somewhere along the line you blurred games with reality, somewhere along the line a player was played. That was how the game was played. There were winners and losers. You had to stay one step of your opponent, but sometimes you lost.
You promoted them when one dropped off. Then you started your contingency planning again. When you drop someone, the offsetter must be dropped off too. You could only have both at the same time, you could not have one exist without the other.
You did not like to lose. The only time you felt some real emotions was when you let your guard down and listened to your heart, heart did not do rational things. Heart tended to wander. Heart constructed an alternate reality, where you could finally be free of your facade, your insecurities and your troubles. Heart fell in love and you got scared.
The night before you knew it would happen you cried. For the first time in a long time you saw that twelve year old girl. She barely had anything to hope for but the return of her father. Having been physically abused since she was little by her father, then narrowly escaped a rape from her mother's friend at eight, and finally suffered continuous molestation by a stranger on a crowded bus for a year when she was ten, she still had one thing to hope for, the love from her father who was also, largely absent from her life, because he traveled for work and had affairs with women who were not her mother. Then her dad left, this time for good, or it seemed, with another woman, who was not her mother. She suffered a heart break, a literal heart condition that sent her to a military hospital. No nurses, few sightings of doctors, bunch of young soldiers who just fought and killed others in a boarder dispute war, those were her only friends. They were eighteen and she was twelve. Abandoned in the hospital, she developed feelings for one of the soldiers who liked her. By the time when she was fourteen and entered into an elite summer camp, her mother entrusted her to the camp counselor who declared he loved her, she was fourteen and he was thirty. Those were not something a little girl should go through. Heart never got put back right. She knew that but she knew there was never going to be an opportunity to fall. So she marched forward, in a foreign country where things could have gone wrong and had gone terribly wrong, she survived, there was never going to be a chance she wouldn't take. She was a survivor who did not have time to feel pity for herself.
And that's how heart got broken you see. Nothing would be the same again. Nothing, not at all. And this was the end. No closure afforded nor needed.
Just another change of season. Just another love story gone wrong. Just another ending. Not the one you were looking for, but an ending nontheless.
One day, you used to write, "One day I would be alright."
One day came and went. You were still flawed. Like the evil queen, you'd look at the mirror, and say, "Mirror Mirror, who's the fairest of them all?" You were insecure, emotionally distant, and consequently needed to be told that you were desired and loved and you did everything you could to please those who said those flattering words. You needed approval, from men, from women, from anyone you felt attracted to. You couldn't stand being left in the dark, in the cold, and you were constantly seeking those moments of high, the high was never really there, there was a gaping hole in your life that you never got a chance to fulfill. You never could figure out how. You were damaged and wired differently. You never felt secure wherever you were.
You were never good at being at the same place with the same person. That was your fundamental flaw. Everyone saw what they needed to see and everyone gave you what they thought you wanted to see or hear. You had names for them. Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, D, E, etc. That was you pattern. Then you had offsetters. Offsetters were those who served as balance to a Plan. Like a contingency planning. You were comfortable when you had each Plan lined up and each person fit into a mode. It was a music chair, when one person dropped off you nominated a new person. You created a persona for each person and you hid behind those persona, somewhere along the line you blurred games with reality, somewhere along the line a player was played. That was how the game was played. There were winners and losers. You had to stay one step of your opponent, but sometimes you lost.
You promoted them when one dropped off. Then you started your contingency planning again. When you drop someone, the offsetter must be dropped off too. You could only have both at the same time, you could not have one exist without the other.
You did not like to lose. The only time you felt some real emotions was when you let your guard down and listened to your heart, heart did not do rational things. Heart tended to wander. Heart constructed an alternate reality, where you could finally be free of your facade, your insecurities and your troubles. Heart fell in love and you got scared.
The night before you knew it would happen you cried. For the first time in a long time you saw that twelve year old girl. She barely had anything to hope for but the return of her father. Having been physically abused since she was little by her father, then narrowly escaped a rape from her mother's friend at eight, and finally suffered continuous molestation by a stranger on a crowded bus for a year when she was ten, she still had one thing to hope for, the love from her father who was also, largely absent from her life, because he traveled for work and had affairs with women who were not her mother. Then her dad left, this time for good, or it seemed, with another woman, who was not her mother. She suffered a heart break, a literal heart condition that sent her to a military hospital. No nurses, few sightings of doctors, bunch of young soldiers who just fought and killed others in a boarder dispute war, those were her only friends. They were eighteen and she was twelve. Abandoned in the hospital, she developed feelings for one of the soldiers who liked her. By the time when she was fourteen and entered into an elite summer camp, her mother entrusted her to the camp counselor who declared he loved her, she was fourteen and he was thirty. Those were not something a little girl should go through. Heart never got put back right. She knew that but she knew there was never going to be an opportunity to fall. So she marched forward, in a foreign country where things could have gone wrong and had gone terribly wrong, she survived, there was never going to be a chance she wouldn't take. She was a survivor who did not have time to feel pity for herself.
And that's how heart got broken you see. Nothing would be the same again. Nothing, not at all. And this was the end. No closure afforded nor needed.
Just another change of season. Just another love story gone wrong. Just another ending. Not the one you were looking for, but an ending nontheless.
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