Woke up late. Got a few texts. Some are from friends, some are from that crazy stalker. Delete.
Today is a new day. I had worked so hard finding that self of 1990s, lost a big chunk of memories and did not know what's what any more. The me that I found was timid, did anything and everything for the guy she was with and absolutely couldn't stand up for herself.
But now my memories are coming back. About the 2000s of me. I was loved by a good man. A man who's very intelligent, smart, good hearted, funny, tall, very educated and successful. He loved me despite the fact that I was younger by 7 years, I was ignorant, while I was smart, I was not well educated (due to the unfortunate circumstance of coming here on my own at a young age), I did well professionally, impressive even, but I was not well read or aware of the world. I was limited in my world's view. I was more or less a party girl. I was attractive, and had a good energy and I was surrounded by girlfriends who loved me. The man I met was a professor's son, intellectual, and liberal.
We decided to build a life together. You see, I had finally figured out at the time, after not taking any more crap from men, that I was perfectly on my own and I was able to snap out of my sorrows and stop being a victim of men. I stopped being this timid, traditional Asian woman who did whatever the guy told me to do, I instead had grown up to be a respectable, strong, fantastic woman who was perfectly good on her own.
It was only then, did a man of my equal strength came along. He loved me. Just the way I was.
He still love me, just the way I am.
Perhaps that's all I need to know. When I slip and want to think about the person who had come into my recent life and wanted to change me and wanted me to change for him and wanted me for his own selfish twisted reasons and denied me each time when I wanted something from him, and took pleasure in denying me, I need to think, I'm better off now.
I said goodbye. I left.
Now I'm free. I am free to recover my 2000 - 2010 memories, I'm free to work on myself again. I'm free to be me. And I'm going to love again. I will love again. He taught me what not to look for in a man - deception, secrets, abusive, manipulation, dismissive, absent, disrespectful, lack of compassion. I will love those who love me back, and I will learn to love the man who gave me everything I ever needed, and more. I will learn to work on it, work on getting the magic back, work on making him to understand what's important to me, and work on myself to learn to love a man who is nearly the saint. Who knows me more than I know myself and who has always been there for me. I'm a fucking lucky person and I am going to make this work, I swear. I must.
I shall go back and find that girl who survived it all, who left those men behind, and found her own voice, her strength, her true companion, her true partner and greet her, hug her, and give her the strength to move on from this detour, this terrible mistake, and tell her,
"You can do this. Smile, no more tears. no more. Be good to yourself, love yourself, and be yourself."
I know my friends would agree. They've been telling me all along. I must see that. I have to see that. I must move on.
Today is a new day. I had worked so hard finding that self of 1990s, lost a big chunk of memories and did not know what's what any more. The me that I found was timid, did anything and everything for the guy she was with and absolutely couldn't stand up for herself.
But now my memories are coming back. About the 2000s of me. I was loved by a good man. A man who's very intelligent, smart, good hearted, funny, tall, very educated and successful. He loved me despite the fact that I was younger by 7 years, I was ignorant, while I was smart, I was not well educated (due to the unfortunate circumstance of coming here on my own at a young age), I did well professionally, impressive even, but I was not well read or aware of the world. I was limited in my world's view. I was more or less a party girl. I was attractive, and had a good energy and I was surrounded by girlfriends who loved me. The man I met was a professor's son, intellectual, and liberal.
We decided to build a life together. You see, I had finally figured out at the time, after not taking any more crap from men, that I was perfectly on my own and I was able to snap out of my sorrows and stop being a victim of men. I stopped being this timid, traditional Asian woman who did whatever the guy told me to do, I instead had grown up to be a respectable, strong, fantastic woman who was perfectly good on her own.
It was only then, did a man of my equal strength came along. He loved me. Just the way I was.
He still love me, just the way I am.
Perhaps that's all I need to know. When I slip and want to think about the person who had come into my recent life and wanted to change me and wanted me to change for him and wanted me for his own selfish twisted reasons and denied me each time when I wanted something from him, and took pleasure in denying me, I need to think, I'm better off now.
I said goodbye. I left.
Now I'm free. I am free to recover my 2000 - 2010 memories, I'm free to work on myself again. I'm free to be me. And I'm going to love again. I will love again. He taught me what not to look for in a man - deception, secrets, abusive, manipulation, dismissive, absent, disrespectful, lack of compassion. I will love those who love me back, and I will learn to love the man who gave me everything I ever needed, and more. I will learn to work on it, work on getting the magic back, work on making him to understand what's important to me, and work on myself to learn to love a man who is nearly the saint. Who knows me more than I know myself and who has always been there for me. I'm a fucking lucky person and I am going to make this work, I swear. I must.
I shall go back and find that girl who survived it all, who left those men behind, and found her own voice, her strength, her true companion, her true partner and greet her, hug her, and give her the strength to move on from this detour, this terrible mistake, and tell her,
"You can do this. Smile, no more tears. no more. Be good to yourself, love yourself, and be yourself."
I know my friends would agree. They've been telling me all along. I must see that. I have to see that. I must move on.
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