So I went to have dinner with a friend. He said to me that I should
expunge the past. He also said, "This restaurant has significance" I asked why
so he told me that he took a girl to this restaurant and he thought he
loved her. Things did not work out of course.
Great, how was that piece of information relevant to my situation?
How was I suppose to expunge? He explained to me to delete every single communique and remove all photos from the past. Delete emails phone numbers photos as if the past did not exist.
There were wandering dogs at night. Powell street was full of dogs. Maybe they belonged to the homeless guys. I remembered that fateful morning, when we fed the dogs and one puppy got run over and it was cut into half. That day my girlfriend yelled at me for being such a push over and not doing something she thinks I should do a long time again. I took it because she was having a rough day, her adopted puppy died. Then this happened, girlfriend said that she meant to say sorry because she was in a bad mood and she took it out on me, my situation. I wanted to cry then but I didn't. She had a rough day and I'm having a rough week you see. I was telling my friend this and I could feel my tears coming down, I was doing so good up till then.
Friend gave me a hug. How did he see it was dark but I'm thankful. Said that he sent a picture to a friend of his who thought that I was his girlfriend. Come again? His girlfriend? Weird! I was no one's girlfriend but I offered to pretend to be his if he needed to make a lady friend of his jealous. I was good at pretending, pretending I could but it's real stuff that scared me. Until this happened.
"One day," he said, "one day you will come to this restaurant and you'll going to think whatever you went through was for nothing." Give yourself a week, he said. I asked, "what about 7 months?" That's what I heard, mandatory 7 months. He laughed. I was usually a very strong independent go getter but in this particular situation he said "why are you such a push over?" I looked at him puzzled as I didn't have an answer."I'm not." I defended myself. "That's why I like you you are a very strong smart independent interesting opinionated person." I love those adjectives. I had never been a push over person until this happened. I never had a voice in this situation. I was lost and drowning in my sorrow for months, even a year.
When I sat down at the restaurant, where he was already sitting down, he got up, and greeted me like a gentleman, and then he said "I liked your hair it's red it's awesome and the gray suit looks great on you. You look beautiful." All I said was "I hated the hair they did it while I fell asleep and my suit makes me look boring." "Why can't you just say 'thank you'?" He said. "OK, thank you." So that was how the evening got started. Unless you counted the text message that started with me saying "Am lost" and he responded "Figure it out you are smart use your smart phone."
I texted him on the way back to thank him for not taking advantage of me. For being there for me and treating me with respect and letting me to be vulnerable, and graceful. He listened all the way. Not even one word about his life. I supposed that's what a real friend was. Someone who let you cry and made you laugh and told you like the way it was. I didn't need to know when I'd see him gain, it's just a text away. It was really that simple. It went both ways. Why was it always so much work with the other person? Why couldn't I just ask and why couldn't he respect me and respond?
Why was never the question to ask. It was when. When was always the question. When I should end this so I could be me again. When the lies would stop and when he would spare me the pain and stop playing with my heart. The heart was such a fragile thing. If you entrusted it with the wrong person you could come off like an idiot. I was the village idiot. The question was never why, why was irrelevant.
I knew why. I just didn't want to see why. The only time he was warm was when he was away and when we couldn't be together. When he was near me, he disappeared. I was a left over thought, and I hated myself for it. It would be all fine if he never said that he loved me and told me that he missed me. It would have been just a fun lighthearted thing which I was no stranger to. But he fucked with my head, and then with my heart. Therefore I became the laughing stalk. Me? Me. ME!
Maybe I was going to be alright one day. Maybe I just needed to be told that I was good just the way I was. No need to change. No need to expect the impossible.
Expunge. "What about my physical belongings? Physical belongings that were no longer in my possession but belong to me? Can you retrieve them?" Friend made a fist and pretended to pound into something. But laughed. "No, you can afford new ones." He said.
There was always an opportunity for something new, I suppose. Until then, I knew I could run to my friend and give it a good cry. But that would ruin my gray suit, and my red hair, in which, apparently, I looked beautiful. His words, not mine.
Great, how was that piece of information relevant to my situation?
How was I suppose to expunge? He explained to me to delete every single communique and remove all photos from the past. Delete emails phone numbers photos as if the past did not exist.
There were wandering dogs at night. Powell street was full of dogs. Maybe they belonged to the homeless guys. I remembered that fateful morning, when we fed the dogs and one puppy got run over and it was cut into half. That day my girlfriend yelled at me for being such a push over and not doing something she thinks I should do a long time again. I took it because she was having a rough day, her adopted puppy died. Then this happened, girlfriend said that she meant to say sorry because she was in a bad mood and she took it out on me, my situation. I wanted to cry then but I didn't. She had a rough day and I'm having a rough week you see. I was telling my friend this and I could feel my tears coming down, I was doing so good up till then.
Friend gave me a hug. How did he see it was dark but I'm thankful. Said that he sent a picture to a friend of his who thought that I was his girlfriend. Come again? His girlfriend? Weird! I was no one's girlfriend but I offered to pretend to be his if he needed to make a lady friend of his jealous. I was good at pretending, pretending I could but it's real stuff that scared me. Until this happened.
"One day," he said, "one day you will come to this restaurant and you'll going to think whatever you went through was for nothing." Give yourself a week, he said. I asked, "what about 7 months?" That's what I heard, mandatory 7 months. He laughed. I was usually a very strong independent go getter but in this particular situation he said "why are you such a push over?" I looked at him puzzled as I didn't have an answer."I'm not." I defended myself. "That's why I like you you are a very strong smart independent interesting opinionated person." I love those adjectives. I had never been a push over person until this happened. I never had a voice in this situation. I was lost and drowning in my sorrow for months, even a year.
When I sat down at the restaurant, where he was already sitting down, he got up, and greeted me like a gentleman, and then he said "I liked your hair it's red it's awesome and the gray suit looks great on you. You look beautiful." All I said was "I hated the hair they did it while I fell asleep and my suit makes me look boring." "Why can't you just say 'thank you'?" He said. "OK, thank you." So that was how the evening got started. Unless you counted the text message that started with me saying "Am lost" and he responded "Figure it out you are smart use your smart phone."
I texted him on the way back to thank him for not taking advantage of me. For being there for me and treating me with respect and letting me to be vulnerable, and graceful. He listened all the way. Not even one word about his life. I supposed that's what a real friend was. Someone who let you cry and made you laugh and told you like the way it was. I didn't need to know when I'd see him gain, it's just a text away. It was really that simple. It went both ways. Why was it always so much work with the other person? Why couldn't I just ask and why couldn't he respect me and respond?
Why was never the question to ask. It was when. When was always the question. When I should end this so I could be me again. When the lies would stop and when he would spare me the pain and stop playing with my heart. The heart was such a fragile thing. If you entrusted it with the wrong person you could come off like an idiot. I was the village idiot. The question was never why, why was irrelevant.
I knew why. I just didn't want to see why. The only time he was warm was when he was away and when we couldn't be together. When he was near me, he disappeared. I was a left over thought, and I hated myself for it. It would be all fine if he never said that he loved me and told me that he missed me. It would have been just a fun lighthearted thing which I was no stranger to. But he fucked with my head, and then with my heart. Therefore I became the laughing stalk. Me? Me. ME!
Maybe I was going to be alright one day. Maybe I just needed to be told that I was good just the way I was. No need to change. No need to expect the impossible.
Expunge. "What about my physical belongings? Physical belongings that were no longer in my possession but belong to me? Can you retrieve them?" Friend made a fist and pretended to pound into something. But laughed. "No, you can afford new ones." He said.
There was always an opportunity for something new, I suppose. Until then, I knew I could run to my friend and give it a good cry. But that would ruin my gray suit, and my red hair, in which, apparently, I looked beautiful. His words, not mine.
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