Out of habit, I still click on the FB's icon, the refresh button, expect his face would show up. His face no longer shows. He ceased to exist, in the FaceBook world of mine anyhow.
At a bar where it's dark and crowded, I tell stories to my colleagues and friends. An ancient story, about an ancient past, about a boy, and a girl, and boy broke the girl's heart by lying, by telling conflicting stories, and by failed to come to her rescue. Girl put up with a lot of things, every single time, nothing is for certain. Girl wanted to believe he loved her, as he said he did, and girl wanted to believe when he said that he needed to see her, he meant it. Until he failed to show up.
"You know what is the screwiest thing of all? I tossed my most favorite necklaces. There were three. They were beautiful, but I tossed them out. I tossed the beautiful purse as well. I loved the one he bought on our first Christmas together. It was among my most favorite possessions of all. I never had a man who bought me necklaces. I never had a man who treated me the way he did when he was with me. I never had a man who adored me so. That's how it was meant to be. I suppose. I was not lucky in love."
The boy who was listening, a young boy who's cute, funny and speaks fluent French and thinks I'm cool, hot and smart, thought it was unthinkable.
"But I'm free now. You see. I am free to do whatever I want. And I am free to post anything I want on FB and not have to worry if he saw it. The closure set me free. He shall never know what I'm doing, who I'm with and what I'm thinking. But sometimes, when I read something funny, when I see something that I thought he'd like to see, I wanted to send a photo or text or an email. But I knew it would be a bad idea. I knew being with him was a bad idea. Loving him was a bad idea, to put up with his bullshit was a terrible idea, but I did it anyway, because I liked our sexual chemistry."
I continue to tell the stories.
"A friend told me to expunge him out of my life. I followed my friend's advice. I don't want to have any reminders of him. I hate every moment of pain I had to endure, the uncertainties, the doubts I had for this relationship, for he was always secretive and noncommunicative. Then he stopped desiring me. A sexless relationship is something I already have. I am married. I need sex. Exciting fun sex. So I had to move on." I finish my explanation.
"Good riddance." The boy says to me. Boy likes older women. Boy likes me. I can tell. I'm likable, funny and I smoke like boy does. I have picked up smoking, twenty year of clean. Now ruined. I show the boy the tat. Boy really likes it. Possibly the most interesting woman he's met who works in this special field. I'm an interesting person.
"So let's talk about New Orleans." We go back to work planning. Next big meeting is in New Orleans. Boy knows a football player a Saint fooballer, and some other buddies. He wants me to go with him earlier, on Friday evening to party with him until Monday. I do love New Orleans. Boy is from the East Coast. I tell boy I frequent New York. He wants to join me the next time I'm there. Boy invites me up north in the East Coast for a week long planning session and already has restaurants picked out for every night.
"I'm married." I say.
"That just means the guy needs to try harder." Boy says. I"m not sure if he's saying it generically or had meant something more specific.
I tell this story about a Chinese man who sued his wife for defrauding him. She had plastic surgery, and gave him an ugly baby, man did not know that his bride was not so pretty before he met her, got a divorced and sued for emotional damage, and got money. That's Chinese court system for you.
I tell boy about my trip to the Far East.
Boy is blond, blue eyes, left handed. I like those characteristics. I like left handed man. My ex boyfriend was left handed. I told him that I was getting married to someone else. He to this date stays in my life. Return every email I send and always just a phone call away. This other boy, a man, who broke my heart, and took a piece of me with him, was also left handed. He was subdued and withdrew. He did not like me in the end to tell me anything that had anything to do with truth. He said a lot of "We should do this and that", but nothing happened. He didn't want me in the end. I wanted to cry but boy is being very funny. He's also planning for my trip to New Orleans and the guy friends he wants me to meet.
I'm free. You see. I'm finally free. I am finally free because I no longer have to bear the thought of ever knowing that he existed, except for my fading memory. No pictures of him no memories of him, and nothing reminded me of him either. He was never there, it was just a figment of my imagination.
That's why expunge is so good in so many fronts. I have absolutely nothing to remind me of him. Not even if I tried.
But I have learned a lot. I have learned to play the field again. The man who played me like a fool, played the field expertly. I'm a quick learner. Now I do the heart breaks. Men start to orbit in my sphere again. As this man orbits away and disappears into the next galaxy, many stars are appearing from nowhere. They are on the collusion course with me. And I shall prevail, this time.
Dear B,
Thank you sincerely, for finally teaching me to play this game of breaking hearts. I'm a fast learner. I'm good at it now. I can break some serious hearts. I intend to return "favor" to other men. That's how the vicious cycle continues. You hurt me. So it's my turn to hurt others.
Let the game begin!
At a bar where it's dark and crowded, I tell stories to my colleagues and friends. An ancient story, about an ancient past, about a boy, and a girl, and boy broke the girl's heart by lying, by telling conflicting stories, and by failed to come to her rescue. Girl put up with a lot of things, every single time, nothing is for certain. Girl wanted to believe he loved her, as he said he did, and girl wanted to believe when he said that he needed to see her, he meant it. Until he failed to show up.
"You know what is the screwiest thing of all? I tossed my most favorite necklaces. There were three. They were beautiful, but I tossed them out. I tossed the beautiful purse as well. I loved the one he bought on our first Christmas together. It was among my most favorite possessions of all. I never had a man who bought me necklaces. I never had a man who treated me the way he did when he was with me. I never had a man who adored me so. That's how it was meant to be. I suppose. I was not lucky in love."
The boy who was listening, a young boy who's cute, funny and speaks fluent French and thinks I'm cool, hot and smart, thought it was unthinkable.
"But I'm free now. You see. I am free to do whatever I want. And I am free to post anything I want on FB and not have to worry if he saw it. The closure set me free. He shall never know what I'm doing, who I'm with and what I'm thinking. But sometimes, when I read something funny, when I see something that I thought he'd like to see, I wanted to send a photo or text or an email. But I knew it would be a bad idea. I knew being with him was a bad idea. Loving him was a bad idea, to put up with his bullshit was a terrible idea, but I did it anyway, because I liked our sexual chemistry."
I continue to tell the stories.
"A friend told me to expunge him out of my life. I followed my friend's advice. I don't want to have any reminders of him. I hate every moment of pain I had to endure, the uncertainties, the doubts I had for this relationship, for he was always secretive and noncommunicative. Then he stopped desiring me. A sexless relationship is something I already have. I am married. I need sex. Exciting fun sex. So I had to move on." I finish my explanation.
"Good riddance." The boy says to me. Boy likes older women. Boy likes me. I can tell. I'm likable, funny and I smoke like boy does. I have picked up smoking, twenty year of clean. Now ruined. I show the boy the tat. Boy really likes it. Possibly the most interesting woman he's met who works in this special field. I'm an interesting person.
"So let's talk about New Orleans." We go back to work planning. Next big meeting is in New Orleans. Boy knows a football player a Saint fooballer, and some other buddies. He wants me to go with him earlier, on Friday evening to party with him until Monday. I do love New Orleans. Boy is from the East Coast. I tell boy I frequent New York. He wants to join me the next time I'm there. Boy invites me up north in the East Coast for a week long planning session and already has restaurants picked out for every night.
"I'm married." I say.
"That just means the guy needs to try harder." Boy says. I"m not sure if he's saying it generically or had meant something more specific.
I tell this story about a Chinese man who sued his wife for defrauding him. She had plastic surgery, and gave him an ugly baby, man did not know that his bride was not so pretty before he met her, got a divorced and sued for emotional damage, and got money. That's Chinese court system for you.
I tell boy about my trip to the Far East.
Boy is blond, blue eyes, left handed. I like those characteristics. I like left handed man. My ex boyfriend was left handed. I told him that I was getting married to someone else. He to this date stays in my life. Return every email I send and always just a phone call away. This other boy, a man, who broke my heart, and took a piece of me with him, was also left handed. He was subdued and withdrew. He did not like me in the end to tell me anything that had anything to do with truth. He said a lot of "We should do this and that", but nothing happened. He didn't want me in the end. I wanted to cry but boy is being very funny. He's also planning for my trip to New Orleans and the guy friends he wants me to meet.
I'm free. You see. I'm finally free. I am finally free because I no longer have to bear the thought of ever knowing that he existed, except for my fading memory. No pictures of him no memories of him, and nothing reminded me of him either. He was never there, it was just a figment of my imagination.
That's why expunge is so good in so many fronts. I have absolutely nothing to remind me of him. Not even if I tried.
But I have learned a lot. I have learned to play the field again. The man who played me like a fool, played the field expertly. I'm a quick learner. Now I do the heart breaks. Men start to orbit in my sphere again. As this man orbits away and disappears into the next galaxy, many stars are appearing from nowhere. They are on the collusion course with me. And I shall prevail, this time.
Dear B,
Thank you sincerely, for finally teaching me to play this game of breaking hearts. I'm a fast learner. I'm good at it now. I can break some serious hearts. I intend to return "favor" to other men. That's how the vicious cycle continues. You hurt me. So it's my turn to hurt others.
Let the game begin!
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