Went out with a girlfriend. Ate, smoked and cried.
I was so in love but I was in love with a guy who used me and did not give a shit about me. I defriended him on FB. I should have done that a long time ago. It was a difficult decision because he was a friend before we were lovers.The FB friend occured years before. But when a love had gone wrong, when someone mistreated you so badly and did not even have the common courtesy to offer a reasonable explanation, and just left and pretended I did not exist, that's what I call it a classic moment of betrayal and dismissal.
He hurt me so much by treating me like shit but gave me those sweet lines as if it meant anything.
I shall never see his face on Facebook. I shall never hear from him. I shall never understand why he dragged this long and never let me go. I shall never understand why he could treat me like this and why a year and some months later he made me feel this way. I shall never understand why he could pretend that he loved me too and told me all those things as if he meant it. I shall never understand why he took advantage of me like this and never gave a shit about me but pretended that he did.
I shall never forgive myself for falling for such a guy.
I could never forgive myself for having trusted him, loved him, and made myself vulnerable.
I could never forgive myself for never voiced my opinion, told him that I loved him enough for me to start a life with him, and asked him what he wanted out of this thing.
This thing he jokingly called as "relationship", told me that he loved me, and pretended that he cared about me, made me feel that I meant something in his life, and this thing that broke my heart called love, all happened before I knew it. I was strong enough to feel vulnerable around him. I was strong enough to take everything that I could take and put up with his bullshit his lies his lack of response his refusal to talk to me on the phone his absolute absence. I was strong enough to open up to him, perhaps because he did not give a crap about me.
I suppose It was wrong to place my trust on a person whom I should never trust to begin with, and it was wrong to love someone who did not give a shit, who only cared about himself and never worried about how much he hurt me until I couldn't take it anymore. I suppose I thought if we started as friends, we'd at least be adults about it and have a conversation about it, not for him to just leave, disappear into thin air.
That's what made me realize how stupid, how terribly ignorant I was about this whole thing. I bought his bullshit, I read his email and thought that when he said that he missed me and wanted to be with me, I believed it. But instead, when he was near me, he never made himself available, he disappeared as soon as he came home. All the empty promises, all the notion of how much he wanted to see me, as soon as he was home, it stopped. He dragged me through high and low as if he was bipolar, one moment he wanted me and can't wait to see me, one moment he was no where to be found. Never answered my calls. Never returned emails.
I would have been completely fine if he never called this a relationship, or told me that he loved me. I had been in relationships for a long time without this level of fake commitment. I would have been completely fine if he did not tell me all those lies, because I liked sex. Our sex was great. But the type of lies the types of betrayal, the up and downs, that got to me.
I would have been fine. But he got to me. he got to me where no one else could. I had become vulnerable. And then he got bored, but not bored enough to let me go. Just bored enough to make me feel unwanted and disposable. Why would he have to have this twisted need to hurt the woman who probably him?
My offering was the following: Be sexually available, be adventurous, OK if he was in other relationship, as long as he still wanted me, I was always generous, I had the money, the resources to afford anything and everything, I didn't have jet money but if I stopped working tomorrow, I'd be fine. I'd be fine because I have been good at saving and I had invested wisely. I was interested in many things and activities. I could be outdoor running or biking or scuba diving or golfing. I could be indoor listening to a lecture, watch a play, attend a symphony. I traveled around the world. I am successful in my career. And I was submissive to his news.
My asking was so simple: Once in a great while, say once every few weeks to call me or return my call. Return my texts as opposed to never return my texts. See me every two weeks. Or ever months. or every six weeks. That's it. And not cancel on me last minute all the time. Be responsive, not go on hiding for two weeks and never return an email from me. And lie, lie through his teeth. Every single part of him was a lie. It had never occurred to me that he never gave a shit about me. Even when he told me that he loved me, and that we were in a relationship, and he adored me, he lied. Everything, everything was a lie.
There were many signs. A birthday card given to me declaring his love for me. Gone. The moment he was done with me, the card went with him. He didn't want any evidence of fake love declaration. Photos and videos he took of me, gone, I never got a chance to have it. Never once promised anything and made it happen. Just lies. Lies to make me feel good at the moment but afterwards like shit.
I am supposed to learn something from this. I guess what I learned was that I should never lose myself, even when sex was great. I should never let man to take advantage of me. I should have trusted my instinct, I should have never trusted him. And I should have left a long time ago.
On a plane from Hong Kong to B.C., I had met this man who thought that I was attractive. He told me about his relationship and I told him about mine. He was puzzled as I was pained. "A girl like you should not be pained." He said. I was a mess then. I am a mess now, but there is no reason to be this way. I have people who genuinely love me. I have this world who see me as someone else. An inspiration, a model to look up to, and a person who has everything going for her. That's really the core of my being I think.
One day, one day I will be OK. I know that. I will be OK because I will move on and I will never see or hear from him again. I shall never know why he intentionally hurt me and pretended that he loved me. I shall never know why he said all those wonderful things to me to lure me in and kept me there. I shall never know why he pretended that he cared about me. I do know that I had finally seen his true color. I do know that I had enough and I cannot take his lies any more.I am sad and angry, a man who supposed to be a friend before all of this happened, took the opportunity to gain my trust and then destroyed everything I thought was valuable in a unconventional relationship. The most important part being trust. When the trust is broken, it does not go back to normal. There isn't anything left but to move on. That's the finality of it all.
That's my lesson to be learned. But hey, even the smartest person in the world can and will fuck up. It just so happens.. this is my turn.
Now I shall cry and grieve, go for a long run, continue to surround myself with men and women who love and adore me, despite of all my flaws, men who always loved me, women who always loved me, but knew what this relationship meant for me, and not be dismissive about it.
One guy friend said, "Cry, let it all out. It'll be good for you. And never ever contact him, and if he contact you, don't read his email, don't answer his call. Don't. Just don't."
So I cry. My eyes are puffy.
I cry because I lost faith in what I thought was love. I lost faith because I trusted a man whom I thought I could trust. I lost faith in me, in the good of me. I thought if I was decent, loving, caring and giving, he would at least respect me and have the decency to tell me that he was sorry. But no, there was never any kindness in his end. He had decided that I was no longer a challenge, and he abused the friendship that was meant to last, a fifteen year long friendship, just so that he could gain control in some twisted game.
My friends tell me to move on, and this time, I shall listen.
I was so in love but I was in love with a guy who used me and did not give a shit about me. I defriended him on FB. I should have done that a long time ago. It was a difficult decision because he was a friend before we were lovers.The FB friend occured years before. But when a love had gone wrong, when someone mistreated you so badly and did not even have the common courtesy to offer a reasonable explanation, and just left and pretended I did not exist, that's what I call it a classic moment of betrayal and dismissal.
He hurt me so much by treating me like shit but gave me those sweet lines as if it meant anything.
I shall never see his face on Facebook. I shall never hear from him. I shall never understand why he dragged this long and never let me go. I shall never understand why he could treat me like this and why a year and some months later he made me feel this way. I shall never understand why he could pretend that he loved me too and told me all those things as if he meant it. I shall never understand why he took advantage of me like this and never gave a shit about me but pretended that he did.
I shall never forgive myself for falling for such a guy.
I could never forgive myself for having trusted him, loved him, and made myself vulnerable.
I could never forgive myself for never voiced my opinion, told him that I loved him enough for me to start a life with him, and asked him what he wanted out of this thing.
This thing he jokingly called as "relationship", told me that he loved me, and pretended that he cared about me, made me feel that I meant something in his life, and this thing that broke my heart called love, all happened before I knew it. I was strong enough to feel vulnerable around him. I was strong enough to take everything that I could take and put up with his bullshit his lies his lack of response his refusal to talk to me on the phone his absolute absence. I was strong enough to open up to him, perhaps because he did not give a crap about me.
I suppose It was wrong to place my trust on a person whom I should never trust to begin with, and it was wrong to love someone who did not give a shit, who only cared about himself and never worried about how much he hurt me until I couldn't take it anymore. I suppose I thought if we started as friends, we'd at least be adults about it and have a conversation about it, not for him to just leave, disappear into thin air.
That's what made me realize how stupid, how terribly ignorant I was about this whole thing. I bought his bullshit, I read his email and thought that when he said that he missed me and wanted to be with me, I believed it. But instead, when he was near me, he never made himself available, he disappeared as soon as he came home. All the empty promises, all the notion of how much he wanted to see me, as soon as he was home, it stopped. He dragged me through high and low as if he was bipolar, one moment he wanted me and can't wait to see me, one moment he was no where to be found. Never answered my calls. Never returned emails.
I would have been completely fine if he never called this a relationship, or told me that he loved me. I had been in relationships for a long time without this level of fake commitment. I would have been completely fine if he did not tell me all those lies, because I liked sex. Our sex was great. But the type of lies the types of betrayal, the up and downs, that got to me.
I would have been fine. But he got to me. he got to me where no one else could. I had become vulnerable. And then he got bored, but not bored enough to let me go. Just bored enough to make me feel unwanted and disposable. Why would he have to have this twisted need to hurt the woman who probably him?
My offering was the following: Be sexually available, be adventurous, OK if he was in other relationship, as long as he still wanted me, I was always generous, I had the money, the resources to afford anything and everything, I didn't have jet money but if I stopped working tomorrow, I'd be fine. I'd be fine because I have been good at saving and I had invested wisely. I was interested in many things and activities. I could be outdoor running or biking or scuba diving or golfing. I could be indoor listening to a lecture, watch a play, attend a symphony. I traveled around the world. I am successful in my career. And I was submissive to his news.
My asking was so simple: Once in a great while, say once every few weeks to call me or return my call. Return my texts as opposed to never return my texts. See me every two weeks. Or ever months. or every six weeks. That's it. And not cancel on me last minute all the time. Be responsive, not go on hiding for two weeks and never return an email from me. And lie, lie through his teeth. Every single part of him was a lie. It had never occurred to me that he never gave a shit about me. Even when he told me that he loved me, and that we were in a relationship, and he adored me, he lied. Everything, everything was a lie.
There were many signs. A birthday card given to me declaring his love for me. Gone. The moment he was done with me, the card went with him. He didn't want any evidence of fake love declaration. Photos and videos he took of me, gone, I never got a chance to have it. Never once promised anything and made it happen. Just lies. Lies to make me feel good at the moment but afterwards like shit.
I am supposed to learn something from this. I guess what I learned was that I should never lose myself, even when sex was great. I should never let man to take advantage of me. I should have trusted my instinct, I should have never trusted him. And I should have left a long time ago.
On a plane from Hong Kong to B.C., I had met this man who thought that I was attractive. He told me about his relationship and I told him about mine. He was puzzled as I was pained. "A girl like you should not be pained." He said. I was a mess then. I am a mess now, but there is no reason to be this way. I have people who genuinely love me. I have this world who see me as someone else. An inspiration, a model to look up to, and a person who has everything going for her. That's really the core of my being I think.
One day, one day I will be OK. I know that. I will be OK because I will move on and I will never see or hear from him again. I shall never know why he intentionally hurt me and pretended that he loved me. I shall never know why he said all those wonderful things to me to lure me in and kept me there. I shall never know why he pretended that he cared about me. I do know that I had finally seen his true color. I do know that I had enough and I cannot take his lies any more.I am sad and angry, a man who supposed to be a friend before all of this happened, took the opportunity to gain my trust and then destroyed everything I thought was valuable in a unconventional relationship. The most important part being trust. When the trust is broken, it does not go back to normal. There isn't anything left but to move on. That's the finality of it all.
That's my lesson to be learned. But hey, even the smartest person in the world can and will fuck up. It just so happens.. this is my turn.
Now I shall cry and grieve, go for a long run, continue to surround myself with men and women who love and adore me, despite of all my flaws, men who always loved me, women who always loved me, but knew what this relationship meant for me, and not be dismissive about it.
One guy friend said, "Cry, let it all out. It'll be good for you. And never ever contact him, and if he contact you, don't read his email, don't answer his call. Don't. Just don't."
So I cry. My eyes are puffy.
I cry because I lost faith in what I thought was love. I lost faith because I trusted a man whom I thought I could trust. I lost faith in me, in the good of me. I thought if I was decent, loving, caring and giving, he would at least respect me and have the decency to tell me that he was sorry. But no, there was never any kindness in his end. He had decided that I was no longer a challenge, and he abused the friendship that was meant to last, a fifteen year long friendship, just so that he could gain control in some twisted game.
My friends tell me to move on, and this time, I shall listen.
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