Texted my friends. Men and Women. Should I?
Every response came within 5 minutes. "Yes. you must."
So I did.
Went through the emails. Deleted them all.
Went through messenger. There were notes from 2008 onwards. Deleted them all.
Removed him from friend's list. He had long blocked my access to FB. He had no desire for me to be seeing his business. Now I have defriended him. Not for him but for me to move on.
As I'm doing this, I realized that that's exactly what my friend N was telling me. You must expunge. Rid of everything every line of communication. photos. messages, notes and gifts.
Throw out my beautiful necklaces. A brand new purse. No reminders of him should be in the house.
Deleted photos of us. Erased them all from backup drive. We never were together. He never existed.
It must be final.
Any reminder of him would result me wanting to get in touch with him.
He who did not have the courtesy to give me the opportunity to talk one last time. He who is willing to throw fifteen years of history away. Because he did not give a shit about me. That's the irony of it all. We were friends. Friends of fifteen years. Friends who always stayed in touch, somewhat. Friends who were suppose to be friends. Who shared quite a lot in common. Not even one word. Just like that. Who does that? Who does that by throwing years of friendship away? Who would do something like that to a woman who he allegedly loved and cared about?
Late at night as I deleted everything I cry. I cry because I feel like a total idiot. An idiot who actually believed him. Who cared enough about him to make excuses about all of his lies and inconsistencies.
There was never even an ounce of truth to it. That I could forgive. But I coudn't forgive a man who could not and would not have the common decency to return my call, my email, despite a year and some months of relationship. Women who he did not see that often got more closure than me. Women who he claimed to be difficult to deal with got more out of this. Not me. He simply disappeared. I did not exist. I am invisible. I never meant a thing. My friendship, meant nothing. Not a thing. Our sexual adventure, not a thing. And that's when I got angry. I'm upset because he's did not give a shit about me, yet he told me that he cared about me. He acted as he cared. But in the end, he couldn't even have the common decency to have a dialogue with me.
My emotions are very raw and my sadness was real.
I shall never understand what happened. I shall never understand why I meant so little that he didn't even want to given me the closure.
I am, however, in need of moving on. Desperate need. I need to cry. I need to feel that I can't breathe. I need to feel that I can be desirable again. I need to feel that I mattered, maybe never to him, but to others. Then I need to be with someone else. A new guy who would adore and love me and treat me with respect.
I need to know that there will be a hopeful future, where his absence may be hurtful now, one day, one day I will be whole again.
In that regard, I truly hope that I never hear from him again. It'll just prove my theory. My theory was that I meant absolutely nothing to him. Everything was just a show. And he had never loved me, or even desired me. Everything was just a lie. He only wanted to have sex with me as a variety test. He had others in his life, I was his after thought when he was my main thought.
And perhaps that's the easiest way for anyone to move on. To know that you never had love to begin with. To know that he never give a shit about you. To know you meant so little to him, that your hurt, your pain had never registered in his mind. You were nobody to begin with. You thought that he was there, but when they are deleted, it was never there, never there. He never existed. You never got hurt.
He never existed. It was just a nightmare. It was just in your head. And now you are awake. The world has been waiting for you and you will be alright after all.
Every response came within 5 minutes. "Yes. you must."
So I did.
Went through the emails. Deleted them all.
Went through messenger. There were notes from 2008 onwards. Deleted them all.
Removed him from friend's list. He had long blocked my access to FB. He had no desire for me to be seeing his business. Now I have defriended him. Not for him but for me to move on.
As I'm doing this, I realized that that's exactly what my friend N was telling me. You must expunge. Rid of everything every line of communication. photos. messages, notes and gifts.
Throw out my beautiful necklaces. A brand new purse. No reminders of him should be in the house.
Deleted photos of us. Erased them all from backup drive. We never were together. He never existed.
It must be final.
Any reminder of him would result me wanting to get in touch with him.
He who did not have the courtesy to give me the opportunity to talk one last time. He who is willing to throw fifteen years of history away. Because he did not give a shit about me. That's the irony of it all. We were friends. Friends of fifteen years. Friends who always stayed in touch, somewhat. Friends who were suppose to be friends. Who shared quite a lot in common. Not even one word. Just like that. Who does that? Who does that by throwing years of friendship away? Who would do something like that to a woman who he allegedly loved and cared about?
Late at night as I deleted everything I cry. I cry because I feel like a total idiot. An idiot who actually believed him. Who cared enough about him to make excuses about all of his lies and inconsistencies.
There was never even an ounce of truth to it. That I could forgive. But I coudn't forgive a man who could not and would not have the common decency to return my call, my email, despite a year and some months of relationship. Women who he did not see that often got more closure than me. Women who he claimed to be difficult to deal with got more out of this. Not me. He simply disappeared. I did not exist. I am invisible. I never meant a thing. My friendship, meant nothing. Not a thing. Our sexual adventure, not a thing. And that's when I got angry. I'm upset because he's did not give a shit about me, yet he told me that he cared about me. He acted as he cared. But in the end, he couldn't even have the common decency to have a dialogue with me.
My emotions are very raw and my sadness was real.
I shall never understand what happened. I shall never understand why I meant so little that he didn't even want to given me the closure.
I am, however, in need of moving on. Desperate need. I need to cry. I need to feel that I can't breathe. I need to feel that I can be desirable again. I need to feel that I mattered, maybe never to him, but to others. Then I need to be with someone else. A new guy who would adore and love me and treat me with respect.
I need to know that there will be a hopeful future, where his absence may be hurtful now, one day, one day I will be whole again.
In that regard, I truly hope that I never hear from him again. It'll just prove my theory. My theory was that I meant absolutely nothing to him. Everything was just a show. And he had never loved me, or even desired me. Everything was just a lie. He only wanted to have sex with me as a variety test. He had others in his life, I was his after thought when he was my main thought.
And perhaps that's the easiest way for anyone to move on. To know that you never had love to begin with. To know that he never give a shit about you. To know you meant so little to him, that your hurt, your pain had never registered in his mind. You were nobody to begin with. You thought that he was there, but when they are deleted, it was never there, never there. He never existed. You never got hurt.
He never existed. It was just a nightmare. It was just in your head. And now you are awake. The world has been waiting for you and you will be alright after all.
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